Introducing the Liar

I am a Liar. I have created a somewhat fantastical world where I am someone else, free of my daily realities. My created version of me and my true self are worlds apart. As I've grown older I am forced to face this reality more and more each day. I am not a nice person.

I am a male in my forties living in the united states. I have a beautiful wife, two children and an extended family that is stable and loving. Until recently I have worked in the IT industry, but lately I am lost. My goal is to at the very least correct my history and record the alternative version.

I am starting this blog because it may be the only place that I can be honest with myself. It is my confession, my shame and hopefully (mostly) truthful entries recording my daily struggle to discover the truth.

Like a lot of people, I hate myself. Not the kind of hatred and self loathing that leads to suicide, but a general disdain for my character and actions. I believe that it's because of this disdain that I created my world in the first place. I am challenging myself to become the person that I know I can be, release the past and forgive my long list of transgressions.

I have found myself drawn to Buddhist philosophy.  Letting go, love and mindfulness. What sounds so simple in practice are the most difficult things I've ever done. Can I love? Can I live? Can I let go?

“In the end
these things matter most:
How well did you love?
How fully did you live?
How deeply did you let go?”
― Gautama Buddha